Friday, 23 July 2010

A slight change of direction

So, things have been a little quiet here. There are a number of reasons for this - 1/ I am lazy 2/ I am poor and avoiding looking at things I can't really afford as it has started to make me a little bit sad and 3/ Life has got all serious and I don't really have the energy to think about the fickle world of fashion every day.
Last week I had a biopsy in a very uncomfortable place. Not that I think having an extra hole cut into you with an extremely large hollow needle is ever anything less than uncomfortable, but this was an especially difficult area of the body to have said procedure performed on.
I'm a tad wary of sharing very personal and gruesome information of this nature with total strangers, but I'm finding it quite hard to concentrate on much else to be honest, except feeling bad for not blogging or making any atempt to do more work outside of my actual work (if that makes any sense).
Although it has stopped hurting now, waiting for the results is almost as bad. I don't know how you're supposed to behave during these things, but when the doctor casually mentioned what he thought the problem might be (not cancer, so I feel like a drama queen for being so upset by something that is 99.9999% unlikely to be life threatening which isn't helping) I think I should probably have asked some more questions. Instead I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, go home and hide under the duvet with some cake.
Which I did.
I even managed to avoid looking up the thing he had said he thought it was on the internet for a few days. I was too distracted by the ouch, but also very aware that looking medical things up on the internet is a very, very bad idea. There are too many worst case scenarios, horrible photographs and distressing stories, plus a whole lot of misinformation. It doesn't help when your tentative diagnosis is for something fairly rare either. Especially when the doctor failed to mention that you may have to live with it for the rest of your life, that it can only be managed instead of cured and that it can seriously effect one of the key areas of your life that makes you feel like a functioning woman.
You may have worked out that I did eventually cave in to curiosity and do a cursory web search. I'm not going to tell you what they think it is yet - it's too personal a thing to share with the world especially before there's a proper diagnosis. Once I have that I need to know what it means and start to work out how I feel about it other than confused and a bit scared.
But, with all my closest friends far away right now, it is good to write about it. Although JFK is being completely amazing, beyond what I could have hoped for, writing makes me feel more in control - that I'm doing something productive instead of wallowing.
In the real world I am mostly trying to have fun, despite the money problems. On Wednesday my dad took me to see two of the greatest Roma gypsy bands in the world at the Hackney Empire, organised by the Barbican, which was rather wonderful. Tonight I am going to see the ballet-comedy Coppelia perfomed by the Bolshoi at the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden with JFK, which will hopefully be a little bit magical.
I am still heading to the car boot sale every weekend too, and finding bargains continues to fill me with joy. I think I might start trying to share that a little bit more here.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading my blog. Please do get in touch if there's anything you'd like me to write about. 


  1. I love you darling one. And miss you horrible.
    Xxxx Bee

  2. I meant horribly....

    I will send your postcard asap xxx